Satire 1

For the common good and safety of the public, the serious issue of unregulated cars has become completely out of hand. Each year, thousands of Americans are killed each year by cars in the hands of people who just honestly do not need to possess them and their overpowered features.

No one is talking about completely banning cars and taking them away from anyone, the idea is to just better regulate them and take the most dangerous ones off the road. Many cars have features and capabilities that are simply not needed by the average person, so for the sake of safety, its time those cars and their features were removed from the American roadways.

The first measure is that cars with a horsepower rating greater than 120 will no longer be legal. There is just no real practical need for any more power than 120 horsepower; after all, 120 horsepower is sufficient enough to reach even the highest speed limits in the country, so what purpose could greater horsepower possibly have? Really, the only reason is to break the law by speeding, which in turn causes people to take needless risk, and potentially kill themselves and others.

Therefore, from this point forward, cars with a horsepower rating greater than 120 will be specially classified as a "High Performance Car" and will be illegal for most people and use on most highways. One exception will be allowed however. For people who absolutely "must have" more than 120 horsepower, they can go to a specially licensed Class 3 Car Dealership and fill out an extensive set of documents to be used for a special background check. Among other things, the potential High Performance Car owner's driving record will be reviewed and assessed. In addition to the special background check, the potential High Performance Car owner will need to contact the Chief Law Enforcement Officer in the city or county of residence, and have them sign off on an affidavit, confirming that the designated authorities in the area are aware that a High Powered Car is in the possession of an ordinary citizen. After the paperwork is filled out, and an extensive background check, one not to take less than 4 months, is complete and the affidavit signed by the Chief Law Enforcement Officer, the paperwork will be sent to the Class 3 Car Dealership to begin transfer of the High Performance Car to the potential owner.

Once the transfer process is complete, the last step for the High Performance Car owner will be to pay a special High Performance Car tax of $12,000. This tax is assessed PER CAR, and has to be paid every time a registered High Performance Car is purchased. Only once the tax is paid may the High Performance Car owner legally take possession of a High Performance Car.

In order to maintain safety on the American roadways, only High Performance Cars manufactured before the year 1986 will be eligible for ownership by ordinary citizens. High Performance Cars manufactured after the year 1986 are not legal for ownership by ordinary citizens. Law Enforcement and the Military may however purchase and take possession of any High Performance Car made after 1986 as they see fit for their departmental needs and use.

The manufacture of High Performance Cars is, save for specially authorized facilities and expressly for Law Enforcement and Military use only is strictly prohibited. Anyone modifying a regular car by adding, removing, changing, or otherwise altering it to achieve the horsepower of a High Performance Car is committing a felony and shall be subject to a $500,000 fine, 10 years imprisonment, or both.


To further reduce risk and personal injury, all non High Performance Cars will be required to have a minimum wheel base of 160 inches. There is no genuine need for a car smaller than that; the small size and lighter weight makes it too much of a risk out on the roads as the smaller size isn't capable of adequately protecting the occupants in the event of a crash or other event. Furthermore, the small size makes it easier to conceal from and evade law enforcement officers both when parked and when being utilized, as well as making it hard to see for other drivers and any pedestrians in the area.

Like with High Performance Cars however, an exception can be granted. If person wants to purchase a car with a wheelbase shorter than 160 inches, they can do so, by going to an authorized Class 3 Car Dealership, and can fill out paperwork similar to that needed for purchasing a High Performance Car. Like with the High Performance Car, they will need to pay a special $12,000 tax, although in this case the tax will be the Short Length Car tax. Unlike High Performance Cars however, they can purchase newer cars manufactured after 1986. It MUST be noted however, that they are authorized only to have a short wheel base; converting the Short Length Car into a High Performance Car is still illegal and the owner will be subjected to the same fines and penalties outlined in the High Performance Car section.

One last concession can be made, for those owners so willing. If an owner desires a Short Length Car, but does not wish to put forth the effort needed to undergo the background check and avoid the $12,000 tax, they can purchase a modified car, one that has had its trunk completely removed. Without a trunk attached, it will be legal for a car to have a wheelbase less than 160 inches, and no special effort to attain them will be necessary. However, attaching a trunk to a car with a wheelbase less than 160 inches will be considered Manufacturing a Short Length Car, which like manufacturing a High Performance Car will be illegal and subject the owner to the same fines and penalties.


By effecting the laws outlined above, America's roadways will be much safer for everyone involved. Getting the majority of dangerous, High Performance and Short Length Cars off the road will certainly reduce the number of fatalities and accidents caused on the roadways and limiting ownership and possession of the small amount of remaining High Performance and Short Length cars will certainly allow those who wish to partake in activities involving them the opportunity to do so.